20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . Send this E-mail to someone to make them smile. It 's called ... therapy.

Just the Facts

The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds mature.

Canadian, Eh?

A man in a Florida supermarket asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boys says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son? "Canada sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "sir, there's nothing up there but prostitutes and hockey players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products

Liquid Plummer Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex: Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter: Safe to use around pets.
Bowl Fresh: Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Endust Duster:This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil: Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion: Keep away from children
Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash: May contain foam.
Zantac 75: Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter: Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight: This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Earplugs: These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge: Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control: Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber Do not consume
Hair Dryer Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign: Caution water on road during rain.
Camera: This camera will only work when film is inside.
Church Parking Lot Sign: Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk: Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup: This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese: For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners: This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup Instructions: Put on food

for more http://www.bored.com/crazywarnings/index.htm

ON YOU *%*# WATER TANK!

Properly insulting your water tank and piping can reduce your energy consumption by 4 to 9 percent.
Sturgeon County, Alberta, water department pamphlet

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Dave Attell quote

"My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?"
-Dave Attell