Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Canadian, Eh?
A man in a Florida supermarket asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boys says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son? "Canada sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "sir, there's nothing up there but prostitutes and hockey players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products
Liquid Plummer Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex: Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter: Safe to use around pets.
Bowl Fresh: Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Endust Duster:This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil: Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion: Keep away from children
Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash: May contain foam.
Zantac 75: Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter: Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight: This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Earplugs: These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge: Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control: Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber Do not consume
Hair Dryer Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign: Caution water on road during rain.
Camera: This camera will only work when film is inside.
Church Parking Lot Sign: Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk: Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup: This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese: For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners: This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup Instructions: Put on food
for more http://www.bored.com/crazywarnings/index.htm
Windex: Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter: Safe to use around pets.
Bowl Fresh: Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Endust Duster:This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil: Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion: Keep away from children
Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash: May contain foam.
Zantac 75: Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter: Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight: This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Earplugs: These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge: Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control: Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber Do not consume
Hair Dryer Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign: Caution water on road during rain.
Camera: This camera will only work when film is inside.
Church Parking Lot Sign: Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk: Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup: This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese: For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners: This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup Instructions: Put on food
for more http://www.bored.com/crazywarnings/index.htm
ON YOU *%*# WATER TANK!
Properly insulting your water tank and piping can reduce your energy consumption by 4 to 9 percent.
Sturgeon County, Alberta, water department pamphlet
Sturgeon County, Alberta, water department pamphlet
ON WOW, THE DEALS YOU FIND ONLINE
URBAN FIT JEAN, 100% COTTON, LOW WAIST, ZIP FLY. $50.00
SALE PRICE: $49.99
sale at guess.com
SALE PRICE: $49.99
sale at guess.com
Friday, May 9, 2008
Dave Attell quote
"My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?"
-Dave Attell
-Dave Attell
Jon Stewart quote
"After going to to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call every parent dreads: "Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home"."
-Jon Stewart
-Jon Stewart
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Intro to my Blog
Ok so this blog is full of jokes, quotes or facts of life that I think are funny. No serious stuff here ppl. This blog is for those days when you are feeling blue and need a little pick me up or just feel like laughing, after all laughter is the best medicine. I will update as frequently as I can though I can't promise anything, after all, who knows when I am going to find something funny enough to put here ;)
Your comments are welcomed. Enjoy :D
Your comments are welcomed. Enjoy :D
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